England's Tea Party Massacre
by OuranHero
Summary: It's been eight months since America's party went wrong. Now, England is throwing a tea party. But what happens when one of his uninvited guests is killed? It's a comedy, okay? Rated T for violence and cursing.
1. Chapter 1

It had been eight months since the hamburger zombie incident at America's house. (_If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my other story - Nightmare on Hamburger Street! That is, if you want to.) _England had finally gotten over his fear that OuranHero might intervene in his life again, and decided to throw a tea party.

"Super cool, dude." America had said when England told him about it. "That OuranHero's long gone now!"

"I thought as much." said England, adjusting his tie. Then he invited a few countries over. Just a few.

"What are you doing here, wanker?!" asked England when he saw a dicky guest he hadn't invited.

"What on Earth do you mean?" asked Luxembourg. "I thought this was an international tea party. Am I not invited?" He smiled with a superior look about him. He was wearing fancy clothes, lots of jewelry, and altogether very, well, dicky.

"Of course not!" England said. He turned away and cursed a few times, regaining his cool demeanor. "But you're welcome to stay." he said.

"Thank you." said Luxembourg, smirking.

"Twonk." England muttered when Luxembourg had left. Romano approached him.

"Why the hell did you invite the rich bastard?" he asked, holding a tomato in his hand. He bit into it, a bit of the juice flying onto England's new suit. He wiped it off irritably. Romano started trembling a bit."That bastard's intimidating!"

"I didn't." he said.

"Bastard!" Romano screeched, running toward Luxembourg. He slipped and fell onto his face. Luxembourg laughed and Italy rushed to help his big brother.

"Dude, there are, like, no hamburgers here!" America said to Canada.

"N-no maple syrup, either..." Canada said, obviously disappointed. France stared at them curiously. Who on Earth was America talking to?

"I think we are in need of some pirozhki, da?" asked Russia, turning to China.

"No, we definitely need hot pot." he said. He trembled while he said it, but he loved food.

"Yao, what this party needs is nikujaga." said Japan, who loved food even more that his brother.

England was regretting inviting all of these people. He should have just had a one-man tea party and watched some Dr. Who. Yes, he did like Japan, who had gotten his out of his splendid isolation, but all of these countries were starting to overwhelm him. He took count of who was there.

America, talking loudly to a man England didn't recognize. Francy-pants, who England hadn't invited. Italy and Romano, eating tomatoes in a corner. Russia, China, and Japan arguing over food. Germany, sitting quietly by himself in a corner. Luxembourg was nowhere to be found, good riddance. All together, he had only invited about four of them.

England walked into another room in order to get some privacy. What he found was definitely not privacy. It was Luxembourg's dead body.

_A/N: Wow! It's been two months since I wrote my last fanfic! And eight months since Nightmare on Hamburger Street! Time flies by fast. So, if you don't think it's funny now, it'll get funnier. And if you do think it's funny, the same. I hope you enjoy!_


	2. Chapter 2

"Whoa!" Romano had followed England into the room. "I never thought I'd see the bitch-ass rich bastard dead!"

England backed up several feet. He didn't want to get wanker all over his new shoes.

"Did you do this, black sheep of-" France began. Romano shrieked and hid.

"Don't call me that!" England punched France in his balls. France doubled over in pain.

"Not cool, dude." America said. "Somebody go get a towel." When nobody moved, he said, "Canadia! Go get a towel."

"It's Canada..." Canada said as he drifted away. Germany toed Luxembourg's dead body, and Japan covered his face with his nifty handkerchief. England wondered why he wasn't doing the same.

France had recovered from the blow to his balls. (That's what she said.) "Well, who killed him?"

"I've no idea." England said. "Who's going to clean this up?"

"Dude!" America said. "We can't clean this up! It's evidence!"

"Didn't you send what's-his-face for a towel?" asked England, irritated.

"Just to get the blood off of the floor." said America.

"I suspect France!" Germany shouted. There was no reason for him to say that then, since they hadn't even began to deduce who had been the one that killed Luxembourg.

"I would agree with you," said England, "But this was a murder, not a rape."

"Aw, hell!" Romano yelled, lifting up his pants leg. He had been wearing a white suit, and Luxembourg's blood had seeped into the cloth. "You're paying for the dry-cleaning, British bastard!"

"Where's Canada?" asked France. France was one of the few people who could remember Canada, if only on occasion. Maybe it was because they were basically brothers.

"Where's Italy?" asked Germany. Germany was one of the few people who gave a rat's ass where Italy was.

"Let's search the house!" America said.

"But this place is huge!" said France.

"Fine, fine." England said, carefully stepping over Luxembourg's body. "We'll split into groups. Germany and Japan can be Team A, America and I Team B, and Romano and France Team C. Am I forgetting anyone?"

"I don't think so." said Germany . "_But OuranHero got her wisdom teeth out a few days ago, so forgive her if she did. - With love, OuranHero."_

"Cool!" America said, grabbing England by the arm. "Let's split up and search!"

_A/N: Good? Yes? Sorry for the wait._


	3. Chapter 3

"Dude, this is totally like a horror movie!" America said, going full fanboy. England sighed. He thought he might be able to work with America, since he raised him. He should have chosen Japan.

"I feel like Freddy of Jason will pop out at any second!" America continued. England noticed that he was shaking and remembered that America was a huge baby.

He might be able to have some fun.

* * *

France walked down the hall, whistling a little. Romano was hugging the walls and cowering away from him. France was quite enjoying this, since he loved himself some S and M. Not that he was planning on doing anything to Romano.

"Dammit!" Romano cursed. "Why did he have to pair me with the French bastard?! I could've gone with Germany! At least I can use my secret mustache on Germany! Why isn't Spain here?"

* * *

Germany and Japan walked along the hall quietly.

* * *

"England?" America asked. England had disappeared. America was stuck in England's kitchen, where all of the bland food was kept.

"It's been so long, I barely remember this place!" America said, trying to cheer himself up with some nostalgia. Canada and Italy weren't there.

Then, a man in a ski mask jumped out at him. America screamed and punched him.

"Ow, you wanker!" England yelled. He pulled the mask off his face.

"You shouldn't scared people like that!" shouted America, blinking tears away. He made his way over to the freezer to get some ice. When he opened the door, Canada's dead body fell out.

* * *

Somehow, France and Romano had found their way to the master bedroom. Well, France had. Romano had run away. France examined all of England's books and DVDs. To his disappointment, there wasn't any porn.

France opened England's DVD set of the first season of Dr. Who and popped it into the DVD player. France had already given up. What a surprise.

Meanwhile, Romano found himself in the basement with a scared Italy.

"Really, little brother, how the hell did you get down here?" asked Romano, searching the walls for a light.

"I was j-just so sad..." Italy sobbed. "S-someone killed brother Luxembourg..."

"Look," Romano said, turning to his brother, "He may have been our brother, but he was a dick-face and you know it."

Italy nodded sadly. Romano found the light and switched it on. Turns out, they had interrupted a session of black magic that had been going on in England's basement.

* * *

Germany and Japan walked the halls quietly.

_A/N: Is this even a murder mystery anymore? Well, I did just kill Canada- I mean, someone did just kill Canada..._


	4. Chapter 4

Hey, guys!

This is OuranHero. So, I haven't updated in a while. That's because I really haven't been having very much fun writing this. And it doesn't seem to be very popular, so I can't be motivated to write any more right now.

Aw, come on. Stop crying. I'll come back to this _and _Black Sushi Chef eventually! But right after I upload this I'm going to start writing something else, something I can have fun with:

Kyoya's Clipboard! Since I seem to have the most fun writing diary-themed fanfics. To be continued. Hasta la Patsa!


	5. Chapter 5

Well, Canada wasn't completely dead. Just mostly dead. (_A/N: Hah! Anybody get the reference? Even if you've seen the movie, I understand. I don't remember the line very well.)_

He lay on the floor shivering slightly. America and England were too terrified to notice that he was alive. America was pacing around the room in hysterics, and England just sat there numbly. Well, not as numbly as Canada.

He began to shiver a bit harder, whispering the word "Maple..." over and over again.

Now, I bet you're wondering: Who put Canada in there? Well, so am I. Let's fast forward a few minutes.

By then, America and England finally noticed that Canada was alive. They had run around the house, searching for blankets and heaters. Soon Canada had at least three heaters pointed right at him and was covered in blankets.

"What if he has, like, hypothermia?" asked America, still completely freaking out.

"Then we'll take him to the hospital." England said calmly. Then, America and England stared at Canada for a few solid minutes.

"What is it?" asked Canada.

"Um..." England smiled uncertainly, "Who are you?"

* * *

Romano and Italy screamed. Men in black hooded cloaks gathered around them.

"And where did you come from?" one of them asked. Romano felt a surge of courage flow through him.

"Where do you think? The stairs, dumbass. And what are you doing? Does the English bastard know you're here?"

The men whispered to each other. "No." one replied.

"Then what the eternal _fuck_ are you doing?" he asked. Italy stood quietly. He thought one of the figures looked familiar. This one had a slightly more feminine build than the rest of them.

"Preparing for the next spell." the man said, looking confused.

"And what is that?" asked Romano, leaning in closer. Italy scooted around the crowd to get a better look at the familiar person. They flinched and moved further into the crowd.

"Well, to destroy Luxembourg, of course." he said.

"No point in that now." Romano grinned. "He's already dead."

Meanwhile, France was going through the most emotionally damaging thing he had ever seen. (_A/N: I don't care how much time should have passed. He's on season two, okay? And sorry if you haven't seen Dr. Who.)_

"No, Rose!" he sobbed. "I wish you could stay with The Doctor forever!"

And so on.

* * *

Germany and Japan walked the halls quietly.

* * *

"I'm Canada..." Canada sobbed. Maybe he should make himself more... there.

"Canada, how did you get into that fridge?" asked England, as nicely as possible.

Canada started bawling. "This really scary person... i-in a cloak... she shoved me in there..." he hiccuped.

England and America glanced at one another. "Did she look familiar?"

Canada tried to concentrate. "Now that you mention it..." England and America sucked in their breath. Could it be? Was OuranHero interfering again?

"...She did remind me of Mr. Kumakichi." Canada finished. (His name is actually Mr. Kumajirou.) England and America sighed in relief. It wasn't her, after all. The dreaded OuranHero.

* * *

The hooded men tried to process this. The man they had been working so hard to destroy was already dead? What purpose did they have in life now?

Only one of them didn't look surprised. Can you guess which one? Ding ding ding! The only one I gave features. I'm assuming you guessed right.

Romano laughed. "And how happy was I to see the damn bastard go? Hopefully France is next on the list!"

"Don't say that about our brothers!" Italy said, scooting closer to the feminine one. They scooted even further into the crowd. Italy wasn't that scared of them anymore, since they hadn't tried to kill him yet.

"I suppose we have to await orders." said the only one who had spoken to them. He was the leader, they guessed. The hooded men busied themselves climbing into coffins. A small jolt of fear went down the brothers' spines.

"What the hell are you getting in there for?" asked Romano, backing up. Italy backed up as well.

"This is where we sleep." said the leader. "It's quite comfy." Then he grinned. "Maybe you would like to... try it?"

* * *

France was weeping softly into a pillow. It was going to take a while before he could get his emotions under control.

* * *

Germany and Japan found themselves in a pickle. After walking the halls quietly together, now they had made a full circle and came back to the dead body. Or, what was the dead body. Now there was nothing left but a pool of blood and a peice of Luxembourg's expensive jewelry.

They decided to wait for the others to come back. It shouldn't take long. Maybe another chapter or so.

Wait, did they just say _chapter?_

_A/N: I'm sorry if you live in Luxembourg. I don't think you're dicky._

_ Eight hundred words! That's more than I've written, like, ever.  
_


	6. Chapter 6

England, America, and Canada headed over to where they said they would meet. One person was on all of their minds: OuranHero. Had she come to ruin their lives again? Last time, they had all been turned into hamburger zombies.

They saw Germany and Japan waiting at the meeting point. "Where are Romano and France?" asked England.

Germany shrugged. "I guess you haven't found anything?" he asked.

"What?" asked England, placing a hand on Canada's shoulder. "We found Canada."

Germany looked startled. He hadn't seen Canada, even though he was standing right between America and England.

"Dude, one day Canada's going to snap!" America laughed. Canada was only a little angry. Or was he?

"Wait a second!" England said, looking down at the bloody floor. "Where's Luxembourg's body?"

"Ah, yes." Japan said. "We forgot to tell you. It vanished."

"But we need the body!" England shouted.

"Dude, chill." America said. "We'll be fine."

Silence followed. They stood there awkwardly, waiting for Romano and France. Where were they?

* * *

The rest of the hooded figures started to giggle. Romano was freaking out, screaming about how he didn't want to die. Italy wondered where his older brother's courage had gone.

"Relax." Said the man, waving one of his hands. "I was a joke." Romano stopped cold.

"A fucking joke? Are you shitting me?" he yelled. "A joke! It wasn't funny."

They wall giggled and sank into their coffins. Italy couldn't pick out the feminine one. They both left the basement.

They walked together in silence, Romano practically leaking rage. Suddenly, he remembered something.

"Aw, dammit!" Romano punched the wall. And immediately screamed and cradled his hand to his chest.

"What is it?" asked Italy.

"I forgot about the French bastard!"

* * *

France was staggering about the halls, trying to get a hold of his emotions. Doctor Who had really affected him.

He stumbled into England, who cursed about wanting "this bloody wanker" off of him. Finally, France slumped against the wall.

"Aren't you Romano's partner?" asked England.

"Oui." France said.

"And where is he?" asked England.

"Here." came an irritated voice from the hall. They all swiveled their heads. There stood Italy and Romano. Romano seemed very angry. Angry enough that he didn't scream in fear when he saw France.

Well, maybe just a little.

Finally, they had all gathered.

_A/N: You don't realize how important your T key is until it gets stuck._


End file.
